Well alot of craziness has happened the last few months for me. ive been doing alot of mourning. grieving the loss of a life i wanted so badly. Despite all of it, ive reached deep down and decided to be happy. that i cant hang onto to a vision that isnt gonna happen. i cant make somebody change. I cant change what has already happened. All i can do is grab my sons little hand and move forward to a new dream. a better life for both of us.
Over and over again i get myself into situations where i take 1 step forward and 10 steps back. Ive never worked really hard at something and gotten a positive result. So in my new Resolution (and not just for the new year) ive decided to do a few things i know i can achieve and actually get the results i want. 1. Be a better mom. i know im a good mom but i want to be a better mom. I think all parents should strive to be better because lets face it we all know were not perfect. I just want to change little things like, Be more patient with him. Hes only three and although sometimes he acts like hes 7 i cant treat him like a 7 year old. Another is to get this boy potty trained. I give up so easily on this when i really should be Staying strong and sticking to it so i can get this little boy into preschool where he belongs. And last but not least tell him i love him more. He is the light of my life and my reason for staying strong so i need to remind him of that more often. even if he doesnt know what it means yet. someday he will.
For myself im getting a new car with my tax return. with my promotion i got this year i made alot more money and im putting the entire thing into a car instead of useless spending online shopping. And im getting into shape. Finally after 5 years of my body just doing whatever it wants im going to whip it back into shape. what a better way to let out all my anger and feeling of failure then taking it out on my body and looking my best. and maybe just maybe theres a little part of me that wants to be like "HA! you think you ruined me but look at me now!". So i had my first personal training session and he definitely whooped my butt. my muscles have never hurt so bad. But i definitely got a "runners high?" from it. even though my body hurts my spirit feels like a million bucks. like i can do this and work hard for it and love the result ill get.
I still dont see the entire light at the end of my dark tunnel but im finding it. im finding my strength and im finding happiness a little more day by day. Soon enough ill be back on my feet. my mom tells me all the time how strong i am. and its nice to hear it.
Another little funny thing that makes my day is calebs favorite song is stuck like glue by sugarland. we listen to it on my phone over and over again everyday. And i know its supposed to be about a couple but i kinda think its mine and calebs song. That when i think everything has died, there he goes making my heart beat again. were stuck like glue me and that boy. and we will make it throught anything and everything me and him.
Happiness wrapped in all sorts of dysfunction.
xoxo ash
