There you go makin' my heart beat again.

Well alot of craziness has happened the last few months for me. ive been doing alot of mourning. grieving the loss of a life i wanted so badly. Despite all of it, ive reached deep down and decided to be happy. that i cant hang onto to a vision that isnt gonna happen. i cant make somebody change. I cant change what has already happened. All i can do is grab my sons little hand and move forward to a new dream. a better life for both of us.

Over and over again i get myself into situations where i take 1 step forward and 10 steps back. Ive never worked really hard at something and gotten a positive result. So in my new Resolution (and not just for the new year) ive decided to do a few things i know i can achieve and actually get the results i want. 1. Be a better mom. i know im a good mom but i want to be a better mom. I think all parents should strive to be better because lets face it we all know were not perfect. I just want to change little things like, Be more patient with him. Hes only three and although sometimes he acts like hes 7 i cant treat him like a 7 year old. Another is to get this boy potty trained. I give up so easily on this when i really should be Staying strong and sticking to it so i can get this little boy into preschool where he belongs. And last but not least tell him i love him more. He is the light of my life and my reason for staying strong so i need to remind him of that more often. even if he doesnt know what it means yet. someday he will.

For myself im getting a new car with my tax return. with my promotion i got this year i made alot more money and im putting the entire thing into a car instead of useless spending online shopping. And im getting into shape. Finally after 5 years of my body just doing whatever it wants im going to whip it back into shape. what a better way to let out all my anger and feeling of failure then taking it out on my body and looking my best. and maybe just maybe theres a little part of me that wants to be like "HA! you think you ruined me but look at me now!". So i had my first personal training session and he definitely whooped my butt. my muscles have never hurt so bad. But i definitely got a "runners high?" from it. even though my body hurts my spirit feels like a million bucks. like i can do this and work hard for it and love the result ill get.

I still dont see the entire light at the end of my dark tunnel but im finding it. im finding my strength and im finding happiness a little more day by day. Soon enough ill be back on my feet. my mom tells me all the time how strong i am. and its nice to hear it.  

Another little funny thing that makes my day is calebs favorite song is stuck like glue by sugarland. we listen to it on my phone over and over again everyday. And i know its supposed to be about a couple but i kinda think its mine and calebs song. That when i think everything has died, there he goes making my heart beat again. were stuck like glue me and that boy. and we will make it throught anything and everything me and him. 

Happiness wrapped in all sorts of dysfunction.
xoxo ash

Let your past make you Better, not Bitter.

This year has brought me a lot of stress and negative situations. so i just decided i was gonna blog some motivational quotes and inspiration that have helped me see the lighter side of things.

Only God can turn a mess in to a message.

A test into a Testimony.

A trial into a triumph.

A victim into a victory.

You never know how strong you are,

 Until being strong is the only choice you have.

God Doesnt give you people you want.

He gives you people you need.

To help you, to hurt you.

To leave you, to love you

and to make you the person your meant to be.

Life will keep giving you the same test,

over and over again.

Until you pass it.

Good relationships dont just happen, 

they take time, patience

 and two people who wanna be together.

When people hurt you over and over again.

think of them like sand paper,

they may scratch you and hurt you a bit.

but in the end 

you end up polished

they end up useless.

Never be ashamed of the scars life has left you with.

A scar means the hurt is over.

the wounds have healed and you endured the pain.

God sent you help and picked you up

God has healed you.

Happy moments:praise God

Difficult moments: seek God

Quiet moments: Worship God

Painful moments: Trust God

Every moment: thank God

I always wonder why birds stay in the same place,

when they can fly anywhere on earth.

Then i ask myself the same question

-harun yahya

just because something isnt happening for you right now.

doesnt mean that it will never happen.

Good things will come. I have God and everyone i love behind me.

i will make it through with more strength and more pride.

im sure of it.

Of course i can do anything, im a mother.

So caleb just turned Three. I have noticed That every birthday so far He decides embody a new trait. He was an angel of a baby. Didnt cry unless it was necessary slept through the night, ate well, no colic seriously such a good baby. When He turned 1 he decided to kick the crawling and the bottle and most of all the naps. Apparently 1 year olds dont take naps on a regular basis according to him. When he turned 2 He decided to be naughty. Tantrums, tantrums, tantrums. He would give you that stank eye like ya, i know im doing something wrong, i know your watching me, but watch me flush your socks down the toilet.

 Now that hes 3, Hes decided he needs to do everything on his own but hes going to whine about it while he does it. " I wanna throw it in the garbage!" "i wanna turn on the lamp even though youve already turned on the lamp so now turn it off so i can turn it back on" "i wanna take off my socks, help me take off my socks, no i wanna take off my socks!" Seriously, caleb it is so awesome that you wanna do things but if i have to go through a whole year of you whining about everything that you wanna do im not gonna have any hair. Just do it. 

His newest naughty boy in action move is hiding things. From my cell phone to chapstick to the remote he likes to hide things. He thinks hes being so smart and sneaky and maybe hell eventually catch on that hiding things in the same place everytime that ill find them. He will take the item he wants to hide. Show me that he has it. Then i hear him run to the kitchen. I hear the fridge open, The fridge shut and then he comes running up to me and says " TRY TO FIND YOUR CHAPSTICK NOW! HA HA HA!" I cant help but laugh everytime at his lack of good hiding spots and the evil little tone in his voice when he laughs about how hes hiding my things. I probably wont laugh so much after he finds a really good spot and gets a hold of my car keys.

He decided to have a thomas the train birthday party this year. He loves trains and airplanes hes a very typical little boy. I had Friends and family over, whom all have baby girls. No wonder my sons a ladies man. Hes surrounded by women of all ages. So since i moved out of my mothers house about 6 months ago she decided now was the time to buy caleb all the really awesome toys, Her toy of choice this year was a drumset. If your a parent of a little boy you can understand the pure excitement i had. (not!) Its not just one of those cute little drums they hit with their hands. its a real drumset. with sticks and a foot pedal and a cymbal. I will not be thanking my mother, unless of course he ends up being the next justin bieber. then i guess she can have all the credit. He got some attention like a little justin bieber though. Little lily decided to join the band but he already has a little groupie. My friend Hannahs daughter Brinley was in absolute Awe of him while he played those drums. We're already planning their arranged marriage. 

Every day i Love my son more. Especially birthdays i thank God for giving me such a precious gift. Every year he grows smarter and more handsome and i am truley blessed to be his mother. He is the light of my life. Especially at this point in our lives. When theres so much negative happening. Im lucky to just have him to hang on to. Im the luckiest woman in the world. To be the mother of Caleb Rodney.

Calebs 3!!

Calebs band. Did i mention he also got a keyboard??

Blessed are the cracked,for it is they who let in the light.

Well, I haven't had much happiness this past week to write about. Which this time of year, it's supposed to be full of it. And throughout my life, my dysfunctional life ive always still found happiness in it. I've always tried to see the bright side of any hardships that have come my way. I'm an optimist. But right now I feel like I've lost myself. I can't sleep. Im a sleeper but now I can't sleep. I barely eat. I've lost 6 pounds in a week. Not an intentional diet. It was my sons birthday party. People who I love and who love my son came and I felt like I wasn't even there. I could barely hug one of my best friends as she left. Like if I hugged too long I would lose it. I never knew the true meaning of single parent until now. And it is so overwhelming it brings me to tears. How can I do it completely alone? How can I afford it? How do I keep my son happy when I can't smile and mean it? What happened to me is my own fault. For Many reasons. I should've made changes a very long time ago. I should have learned my lesson. I should have been honest with him and with myself. But here we are. In the lowest low of my life. On my sons birthday. He's 3 today. The happiest day of my life. And i have decided that today is going to be the new happiest day of my life. God gave me my son this day 3 years ago. And I know and have faith that God will give me a great day today too.

"a life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful then a life spent doing nothing"

" this wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it"

"be thankful for mistakes. They may lead you to solutions you never would have discovered before"

"when things go wrong, don't go with them"

Dear God, each morning when my Childs feet touch the floor, may they take him In your footsteps and lead then where you want them to go"

" have a heart that never hardens, and a temper that never fires, and a touch that never hurts."

I will find happiness in this dysfunction.

-ash

Be kind to your local retailer.

I have worked in retail for the past 2.5 years. And every holiday is every retail employee especially managements worst nightmare. It's not the long hours, the stuffed to the brim stockrooms full of product and hundreds of boxes of shipment each day to completely overflow the shelves. It's not the employees calling in sick or not showing upfor their shifts. It's the dang cranky customers. I live in Minnesota. And were often called Minnesota nice. But the people who shop this time of year are the least bit. I would call them not so nice. For example: customer asks if I have boxes, no sorry we ran out. The customer then decideds to practically climb over my cashwrap to look for themselves. What the heck lady! You think in lying about boxes? Then I'm told I should order some. Well I don't have that luxury but let me call corporate right now and have then teleport me some boxes right away for you. Jeez there boxes people go to the dollar store they have entire stockfulls of them for get this... A DOLLAR! Then there's one rack that says 12.99 with a little topper that says "everything" because the sale is everything atleast 60% off. But this lady was trying to argue that it means everything in the store is 12.99. Are you crazy lady I'm not gonna give you everything in the store for 12.99. I was conversing with my neighbor inthe mall at the verizon store and I swear those cell phone guys have it the worst. Getting yelled at Over pennies. Literally 100ths of a dollar. Unless you work retail it's hard to understand the patience it takes to run a store. A busy store and make sure every customer leaves happy. I promise you the customers are what pay our paycheck. We want you to leave happy. And I'm probably just ranting and I'm sure all of you are wonderful shoppers but next time your out making your holiday purchases just know. We aren't gonna lie to you. We want your business and want you to be happy and alot of things in retail don't go the way we want them to. So cut your local retailer a little slack. Heck give them a hug( that may be creepy in some cases ). Tip your hats cuz all of the employees I know including myself work our butts off and sacrifice alot of our holiday time with our own family's to make sure yours get the gifts they want.

Retail happiness wrapped in crazy dysfunction.

Xoxo ash